I don’t want you

I just realized Because I was lonely I’m going out with a guy I don’t even like. But I keep telling myself that I do. But how could I know now that I don’t. When I’m with him there’s always that thought in the back of my mind. I want to go home
I really like being alone. And the loneliness is always there even when I’m with others. I thought if I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t feel lonely anymore. But I do. There’s no difference between me being with a group of people and me being with him. He’s not the one. But I’ve grown attached to him. I’ve started to get used to him holding my hand. But I don’t want to be attached to him I want the real deal. I want butter flies in my tommy and flowers growing in this barren heart. But of course anything good is worth waiting for. I just got impatient. But I don’t have the balls that I need in order to break up. And a piece if me hopes that when we get back from winter break he will have forgotten all about me and we just go back to being friends. Because I don’t want these feelings that only push me further into darkness I don’t like knowing that I’m with somebody that I don’t want to be with.
I don’t like this. I’d rather be alone with my loneliness than be with someone and still feel lonely. Because when I’m alone there’s that glimmer of light that tells me that there’s still hope. That if I look hard enough you’ll pop up out of nowhere and finally be mine
But right now I just feel helpless. I’m with someone but why is the loneliness still here ? I thought It goes away as soon as someone was by my side?
Or was that a lie too

I don’t want you

I just realized Because I was lonely I’m going out with a guy I don’t even like. But I keep telling myself that I do. But how could I know now that I don’t. When I’m with him there’s always that thought in the back of my mind. I want to go home
I really like being alone. And the loneliness is always there even when I’m with others. I thought if I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t feel lonely anymore. But I do. There’s no difference between me being with a group of people and me being with him. He’s not the one. But I’ve grown attached to him. I’ve started to get used to him holding my hand. But I don’t want to be attached to him I want the real deal. I want butter flies in my tommy and flowers growing in this barren heart. But of course anything good is worth waiting for. I just got impatient. But I don’t have the balls that I need in order to break up. And a piece if me hopes that when we get back from winter break he will have forgotten all about me and we just go back to being friends. Because I don’t want these feelings that only push me further into darkness I don’t like knowing that I’m with somebody that I don’t want to be with.
I don’t like this. I’d rather be alone with my loneliness than be with someone and still feel lonely. Because when I’m alone there’s that glimmer of light that tells me that there’s still hope. That if I look hard enough you’ll pop up out of nowhere and finally be mine
But right now I just feel helpless. I’m with someone but why is the loneliness still here ? I thought It goes away as soon as someone was by my side?
Or was that a lie too